Lift Me UP! Service with a Smile: World-Class Quips and Action Tips to Brighten Up Your Services!

2 Weird Money Habits That Train Your Brain for Abundance
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Homer: Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk. Marge: Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone. Chief Wiggum: [shopping for his wife at a women's clothing store] My wife's looking for something that doesn't make her look like a horse, so, I'm gonna be here for a while. Marge: Not the swear jar! It's the only thing holding back the filth! Grampa: I was with it once! And then they changed what it was! And now what I'm with isn't it and what's it seems weird and scary to me! And it'll happen to you!

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Sideshow Mel: [dressed as a caveman with a bone through his green hair] My opinions are as valid as the next man's! Superintendent Chalmers: I'm a public servant, Seymour, I'm not allowed to use my own judgement in any way whatsoever.

Know another quote from The Simpsons?

Crazy Person at the Homeless Shelter: That's the answer! Pawn to King's Bishop Three! Homer: [Defending himself in Court] If these Celebrities didn't want people going through their garbage or saying they're Gay, they should not have expressed themselves creatively Burns: [Giving a talk to inspire the school] Okay, I'm going to keep this short. Friends, family, religion. These are the demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Any questions? Also, can I have a dollar? Krusty the Clown: We're going to drop him out of a helicopter and see what happens!

Teeny] Aw, don't worry. Nothing's going to happen to you, Mr. Teeny Number 7. Soon the Hour of Purification will be at hand. Homer: Moe, it seems to me that everytime I drink too much something like this always happens. Maybe I should Moe: [Cramming beer down Homer's throat] Yeah, take your medicine, you lush, ya. Care Home Nurse: [having sabotaged a computer game system] Well excuse us for making the worst job in the World a little easier.

The terrible pay, the constant presence of Death. Principal Skinner: Mrs Krabappel is in Portland. It turns out the people she hired to deprogram her sister out of that Cult were an even worse Cult. Superintendent Chalmers: [On Grampa Simpson's advice, Bart has kissed Nikki] Today we are gathered to put a stop to something that would have been considered innocent years ago, but which in today's litigious society has been blown completely out of proportion.

Grampa: Ah, my first kiss! I remember it like it was yesterday! Strawberry: We're getting married! Now when he talks to himself, it'll look like a conversation. His sin was thinking that women are beautiful! Kang: [Bioduplicated to look like the Senator] It makes no difference who you vote for! Either way your Planet is Doomed! Homer: Oh no, Aliens! Well, I suppose you want to probe me, might as well get it over with.

Kang: Stop! Homer: [Gasps] You mean the Mafia only did me a favour to get something in return? I will say Good Day to you, Sir! Fat Tony: [Thoroughly ashamed] Okay, I will go. Marge: Nelson's a troubled little boy. He needs to be isolated. From everyone! Hans Moleman: There is no escape from the Kingdom of the Moles! Well, except that. Hans Moleman: This is Moleman in the Morning. Good Moleman to you! And now, continuing the series on the terrible pain in which I live every day Captain McCallister: I'll need three ships and fifty stout men.

We'll sail around the Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen. Robert Goulet: Are you sure this is the casino? Burns' Casino? I think I should call my manager Cool New Teacher: This school is a glorified hamster wheel! These stuffed suits can get you through a test, but you will fail the test of life! Groundskeeper Willie: [dragging him out] It's always the good ones that go crazy the fastest. Cool New Teacher: Alcohol is the only thing that makes life bearable!

You must Drink, Always Drink! Marge: [Bart is in an asylum after faking sociopathy to get back at his parents for testing him for it] How could he go so wrong! Krabappel: Don't worry children. Most of you will never fall in love, but will marry out of fear of dying alone! Milhouse: [sitting in a fighter plane's cockpit at the school fair] Pow, pow, pow! Take that Mom and Dad!

Send me to a child psychiatrist, will you? Ned Flanders' Mother: [getting Ned some therapy] We've tried nothing and we're out of ideas! Homer: What you Celebrities must understand is that we own you for life! And the second you're dead, you'll all be dancing around selling toilet cleaner. Moe: [Homer is searching for his soul mate] I'm more of a well-wisher. Meaning that I don't wish you any specific harm. Marge: [cage-fighting] I don't want to sound like a killjoy, but because this is not to my taste I don't think anyone else should be allowed to enjoy it.

Homer: No, lisa, you're not a monster. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother, and I call him Gamblor! We must save your mother from his neon claws! Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the boogeyman was after me, and he was hiding under Robert Goulet: Are you sure this is the Casino? Henry Kissinger: No one must know I dropped my glasses in the toilet. Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords.

He puts them on, then puts a finger to his head, a la the Scarecrow in "The Wizard of Oz. Homer: [rapidly] The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triange is equal to the square root of the remaining side. Principal Skinner: And now, a special award for those students who obviously had no help at all from their parents, Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum!

Burns Casino. Captain McAllister: [pitching an idea to Burns with a painting of a ship] I'll need three ships and fifty stout men. We'll sail 'round the Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen. Burns: Oh right, he's dead The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget. Irishman: AH! Oh, me leg's gone gammy! Who'll provide for me little ones? Kent Brockman: Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on YOU, the viewers. Robert Goulet: [singing] Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg!

The Batmobile lost its wheel, and the Joker got away, hey! Kent Brockman: Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for Philosophy majors - useful people are starting to feel the pinch. Burns: Yeah, well, I've discovered the perfect business: people swarm in, empty their pockets, and scuttle off. Nothing can stop me now - [paranoid like Howard Hughes] except microscopic germs.

But we won't let that happen, will we, Smithers? Burns: [spraying the monitors with disinfectant] They're all covered with filthy germs, aren't they Smithers? Lovejoy: Once the government approves something, it's no longer immoral! Burns: Smithers, I've designed a new plane! Nelson Muntz: The running time is now! Homer Simpson: Should I do the thing I'm supposed to do, or the thing everybody knows I'm going to do? Lisa Simpson: Our family has been ostracized for many reasons, but never our hygiene. Okay, rarely our hygiene.

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Okay, never my hygiene! Bill Cosby: Oh,oh-oh! You see, the kids these days, they listen to the rap music, which gives them the brain damage. With the hippin' and the hoppin' and the bippin' and the boppin', they don't know what the jazz is all about. Y'see, jazz is like Jello pudding Jazz is like Kodak film I've got it, jazz is like the new Coke - it'll be around forever.

Blind Man Willie Witherspoon: I've been playing the saxophone for 30 years. I want you to have it. Why didn't anyone ever tell me? Homer: If you want something to remember him by, I say get a tattoo. It'll be a constant reminder of the one you love. Homer: Jazz? Who needs it? We can make up our own music. Marge: Homer, that's the same thing, only you replaced your dees with your doos. Bart Simpson: [mooning them with a smiley face drawn on his butt and a stethoscope on his hips] Hey there. I'm Dr. I'm doing my rounds right now and uh, I'm a little behind. Homer: [rubs a Christmas tree and it catches on fire] Why does everything I love burn?

Nelson: Dad didn't leave Krusty the Clown: And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. Lou: Yeah, I never heard of it either but they say they have over 2, locations in this state alone.

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But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese. Chief Wiggum: "Quarter Pounder" with cheese? Well, I can see the cheese but? Superintendant Chalmers: The Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen? Moe: Say, Barn. Hospital Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you.

Of the gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant. Chief Wiggum: [singing] Donuts, I got donuts, I got Herman: [Holding them at gunpoint] Looks like the spider caught himself a couples of flies. Tall Man: Do you find something comical about my appearance when I am driving my automobile? Tall Man: This was the largest auto I could afford.

Should I therefore be made the subject of fun, huh? Maybe we should find out! Tall Man: [Tall man pulls down Nelson's pants and commands him to walk down the main street] Nowwww march! Tall Man: [honks his car horn while driving behind Nelson] Hey, everyone! Look at this; it's that boy who laughs at everyone! Let's laugh at him! Principal Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering hamburgers.

Principal Skinner: Oh, no, I said, "steamed hams. Superintendant Chalmers: Really. Well, I'm from Utica and I never heard anyone use the phrase, "steamed hams. Superintendant Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger. Superintendant Chalmers: Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled. Principal Skinner: Uh Marge Simpson: Are you sure? Maybe it's just shampoo. That washes right out. Cletus, the slack jawed yokel: [while hanging from a telephone poll] Hey, I can call my ma from up here.

A child has already solved the jumble using crayons. The answer is 'fries'. Snake: [busts open a loaded cash register] Oh Good-bye student loan payments. Bart: Sometimes I wonder about all the people in this town. Do you think anything interesting ever happens to 'em? I mean, there must be thousands of great stories out there.

Bart: Well, milhouse, I guess interesting stuff does happen to people in springfield. Jack Bauer: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoudi. Does somebody know Ahmed Adoudi? Homer Simpson: Oh, a Thermos! With seven cups of coffee still left in it. Oh, wait, six. Marge Simpson: If someone did eat Bart's shorts, they'd have a tummy full of pocket garbage. Jack Bauer: [points gun at Bart] Bart Simpson, twelve minutes ago, you made an annoying prank phone call to me. All units move in!

Jack Bauer: I pulled ever single field agent off all other cases to track you down and bring you to justice. It was a tough decision, but I think I made the right call. Lisa Simpson: I am. You're on a blue tooth cell wire, the most vulnerable device known to man. Or maybe it's AM. Whichever one is the morning one; it's not that one. Principal Skinner: Enhance. Bart Simpson: Jimbo has a stink bomb in his house, but I need to intercept it fast. Send me some schematics. Lisa Simpson: Jimbo made a couble of drawings of his house in the second grade, but I can't vouch for their accuracy.

The teacher gave them a frowny face.

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A truly comic image if you've ever been to the zoo, and comforting to any of us whose backs have been used as a stepping-stone for someone else's success. I will never forget having the repairman come in, remove the panel at the bottom under the barrel of the dryer , and along with the accumulation of dust bunnies was a significant amount of change. A lovely new ritual that I have put into practice is, when I feel my mind start to slip into fear, or a sense of lack, that means my flow is blocked. While buying a building is a risky endeavor for any fledgling business, the support from the faculty and the. My mother was working at a second hand shop this summer and picked up a jacket that she thought would be perfect for me. Or maybe it's AM.

Burns: Simpson, take your putrid filth far away from here, you soulless land whale. Homer Simpson: Cake, will you do the honor of making my stomach the happiest bag of acid in the world? You will? Have a nice day. Just like the day before that Nelson Muntz: [Through PA system] Principal Seymour Skinner: Nelson, will you just tell everyone the lunch specials? Nelson Muntz: Sloppy joes! And the day before that Tater tots! Bart Simpson: Time to get my mischief on. Let's start with a little federal crime. Homer Simpson: Is it really drinking and driving if you're flying a blimp?

Maybe I can get the answer by texting. Marge Simpson: Stop, Pooter Toot! Other people might be offended by your slightly off-color antics. Nelson Muntz: Yeah, I've been held back more times than I can count, which is probably why I got held back so many times. Bart Simpson: [after Lisa and Homer fall of the Duff blimp] There's nothing I can do to save my sister, the blimp, or this airship. Chief Wiggum: [after pulling over Troy McClure] I'll tear this ticket up, but I'm, um, still going to have to ask you for a bribe. Homer Simpson: [Marge's eyes are seen in a darkened bedroom] Marge, could you close your eyes.

I'm trying to sleep. Selma: [to Marge] Remember when we were kids, we used to dream about our ideal husbands? Who knew the dream would come true for one of us? Guess which one. Snake: Don't worry Gloria, I'll win you back even if I have to beat this guy to death. Homer Simpson: [Picks up and looks at dirty, grey pair of underpants] These would stop Joan Collins herself!

Burns: So, what shall we do tomorrow? Go grousing? Or, if you'd rather stay home you could sing, while I accompany you on the clavichord Burns: Or, I've got some wonderful stereopticon images of the Crimean War! Gloria: Look, I had a lot of fun today, but I don't think we're right for each other. The age difference is just too Burns: Oh, balderdash. It's not important how old you are on parchment, it's how old you feel in the humours! Snake: I'm gonna win you back, even if it means I got to pistol whip this dude. Chief Wiggum: We'll track down Simpson with your vehicles anti-theft system.

Burns: I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs. Now we're ordering out, so what would you like on your pizza pie? Extra cheese? Who do you take me for, Lorenzo de Medici? Burns: I don't understand it. I turned around and she was gone, along with my virile younger friend. Homer Simpson: Who's Cheech and Chong? They were the Beavis and Butthead of their day.

Homer Simpson: Oh, I've failed as a parent! I swore the day you were born that you would appreciate stoner comedy. Marge Simpson: And remember, don't indulge in any sin except gluttony. Save lust and rage for me and the kids. Tommy Chong: I need you to reinvent the wheel. No, de-invent the wheel. No, re-unvent the whool. Chief Wiggum: I said confiscate them! Tommy Chong: Ladies and gentlemen, man. Prepare to have your expectations murdered and buried under a sea of "huh" and waves of "what". Marge Simpson: I'm not a hoarder.

Do the Yankees hoard pennants? Does Marrakesh hoard intrigue? Homer Simpson: Then what's it made of? Lysergic acid diethylamide? Marge: I can't help but feel this is all my fault. It was those North Korean fortune cookies - they were so insulting. Homer: Marge, you can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, then move on. Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries. Marge: The only thing I asked you to do for this party was put on clothes, and you didn't do it. Homer: You know what you guys need?

A little comic called "Love Is". It's about two naked eight-year-olds who are married. Homer: [Looks at Kirk's demo tape] "Can I borrow a feeling"? It's got your face on it! Ned Flanders: Sir There's no reason Sarah needs to do this scene in the altogether. Sara Sloane: Sam, he's got a point. Katherine Hepburn never showed her breasts. Irish Cop: [sarcastically] Sure you do! And I'm going apple picking with Scooby-Doo! Lisa: I like him. He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance Homer: No, my ears are really burning.

I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip. Marge: Well, it was a lovely festival. The best movie won, and Mr. Burns found there are some awards that can't be bought. Montgomery Burns: Oh, I've got to win this one! I bribed everyone in Hollywood. Barney: [during his acceptance speech] I've learned that I have a gift to share with the world.

From now on, I'll be a new Barnard Gumbel; clean, sober, and hardworking. Barney: I made a movie? I wonder why there was a picture of me on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. Jay Sherman: And you must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil. Burns: Pish posh! Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod! We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, damn it!

Rainer Wolfcastle: [after many hours pass] Upon closer inspection, these appear to be loafers. Jay Sherman: Welcome to "Coming Attractions". I'm your host, Jay Sherman. Thank you. Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in "Death Wish 9. Rainer Wolfcastle: Jay, my new film is a mixture of action und comedy. Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up?

Rainer Wolfcastle: [Cut back to Rainer and Jay] The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. Burns: [Mr. Burns' film is being booed by the audience] Smithers, are they booing me? Burns: [Stands and faces the audience] Are you saying "Boo" or "Boo-urns"? Marge: Did you know that there are over film critics on TV, and Leonard Maltin is the best looking of them all? Moe: [dancing on top of the bar] Money gets you one more round, drink it down, you stupid clown.

Money gets you one more round, and you're out on your ass. Grampa: The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets forty rods to the hogshead and that's the way I likes it. Get off your cloud and save my Tod! Homer: [after observing Barney's movie] Wow, I'll never drink another beer again. Smithers: Oh, they're not booing you, Sir, they're shouting "Boo-urns! Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: [while Snake is pointing a rifle at him] Help!

Chief Wiggum: [his tie is caught in the hot dog roller] Hey, I got problems of my own right now! Oh boy, this is going to get worse before it gets better. Homer Simpson: I'm not Mr. Simpson anymore, I'm Colonel Cool, and I'm the captain on this rocketship to the moon. Homer Simpson: I don't miss meat at all! This portobello mushroom eats like a steak - a rubbery, fungus-like steak. Homer Simpson: Don't worry, honey. The song I wrote for you is so schmaltzy, it'll make "Moon River" sound like a farting orangutan. Sinclair: Mrs. Homer Simpson: I can't fake an interest in this, and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects.

Homer Simpson: You know, the painting class, the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing. Llewellyn Sinclair: Hello! I am Llewellyn Sinclair. I have directed three plays in my career, and I have had three heart attacks. That's how much I care, I'm planning for a fourth. Llewellyn Sinclair: Marge, Marge!

I am asking you for white hot rage, and you're giving me a hissy fit! Llewellyn Sinclair: I am not an easy director to work for. While directing "Hats Off to Hanukkah," I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth graders? Marge: I haven't been in a play since high school, and I thought it would be a good chance to meet some other adults.

Marge: You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie, and sometimes it's like I don't even exist. Homer Simpson: [after breaking the ring of his pudding can] Oh no! My pudding is trapped forever. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch. I made some peanut butter brownies for everyone. Llewellyn Sinclair: [to the cast] Perhaps we are all a little mad, we who don the cap a bells and tread beneath the proscenium arch.

But tonight, you will all be transformed from dead-eyed suburbanites into white-hot grease fires of pure entertainment! You're not working out, I'll be playing your part. Krusty: I opened for The Who at Woodstock. I came out with a Beatle wig and a ukulele. Hendrix said he almost plotzed. His exact words. Kent Brockman: Thanks, Mayor Simpson! From now on, we'll all be taking golden showers.

Kent Brockman: [talking about the people of "New Springfield" when a new area code divides the town] They also tend to use low-brow expressions like "Oh, yeah! Hey, Bart, comere a minute. Phone Lady: [special information tone] Your call cannot be completed as dialed.

Funny Jokes, Quips, and Quotes About Writers and Writing

Please make sure you have the correct area code. Marge Simpson: The phone company ran out of numbers, so they split the city into two area codes. Half the town keeps the old area code, and our half gets Lisa Simpson: This is the most selfish thing you've ever done.

Lisa Simpson: [Bart opens his eyes] Spinach farm, huh? That's right, you talk in your sleep. Bart Simpson: It's hopeless! I can't make up for years of goofing up in one day. I need two days! Lisa Simpson: Look, Bart. It's not important to know what's on the test so much as how to take the test. If you don't know the answer to one question, leave it for later. And if you still don't know the answer, just guess B and move on.

Now, what's the capital of Massachussets? Homer Simpson: Goodbye, my electrical friends. Since I can't afford you anymore, I'm doing what any decent American would do: throw you away. Homer Simpson: It's the easiest money I've ever made, lugging around a pound parking meter. Department of Standardized Testing Proctor: I don't chop off people's heads. People chop off their own heads, I just tip them into the basket. Bart Simpson: [Blocking the path of a bug] Driving you crazy instead of pulling your legs off.

I've really matured. Bart Simpson: I fell asleep on the books, so I might have gotten something through osmosis. Bart Simpson: Well, looks like Mr. Vanilla just grew a pair of chocolate chips. Krabappel: I don't have to worry about leaving you alone because I have a spy. Milhouse: You promised you wouldn't tell! I guess we'll never know who the Milhouse is. Treat Williams: I thought that general looked familiar.

I'm in a lot of movies. Lisa Simpson: Sure, life is full of pain and misery, but the trick is to enjoy the few good things in the moment. Homer Simpson: I'm in an abusive relationship with life. It keeps beating the hell out of me, and I'm too much of a coward to leave. Marge Simpson: Homer, don't you think you're putting all your eggs on one basket?

Marge Simpson: Hmm, I guess you're right. I better scratch that off my list of things to say. Homer Simpson: This is your miracle, a tree? Ooh, look at me. I can turn sunlight into complex sugars. Big whoop! Kent Brockman: This is Kent Brockman vowing to debunk this so-called miracle. The idiotic things people believe in. Up next, stay tuned for your winning lottery numbers! It's your turn for sure! Kent Brockman: A hundred-dollar bill for whoever gives me the truth about the so-called miracle tree. Homer Simpson: I never win anything. It'll probably be some jerk no one ever heard of.

Hibbert: Homer, you'll make a full recovery. But I'm afraid your MyPad is gone. Hibbert: This is the part of my job I hate most: talking to crazy people. Homer Simpson: Folks, hope isn't just inside the house of God, it's outside the house of me! Homer: Barack Obama I don't know. I already have one wife telling me to eat healthy and he promised me death panels and Grampa's still alive. Mitt Romney? I hear he wears magic underpants. I expect the leader of the free world to go commando.

Plus, his horse totally choked at the Olympics. Voting Machine: Thank you for voting Mitt Romney. You may now see his tax return. Homer: What's this? Medical deduction for a personality implant? He has six wives all named Ann. I've got to tell the press! Marge Simpson: The reason I don't want this car is because I want to have another baby. Bart Simpson: [after the car falls in the sinkhole] Oh, no! Lisa's face! It's exactly the same! Mayor Quimby: For the first time in my administration, a problem has been solved.

The sink hole has been filled by the thing it fears most: stuff. Moe: When you've been around as long as I had, you get used to everything. Runaway monorails, giant sinkholes, Jeff Gordon Bart Simpson: Just came to check on your shades. Wouldn't want your carpet to fade. Bart Simpson: Mostly writing on the chalkboard. I'm open to suggestions. Seriously, I'm starting to run out of ideas.

Now what are you up to? Bart Simpson: [Speaking into recorder] A lady never tells, a gentleman never asks. Homer Simpson: [to Bart] Son, stamp collecting is like life -- it stopped being fun a long time ago. Sideshow Mel: Lisa, applause is an addition, like heroin -- or checking your e-mail. Sideshow Mel: Lisa didn't know it then, but she had just dipped her toe into the business of show. And it is a business, as you shall see in about three seconds, two, one Burns: I have won every coin, yet I feel strangely empty inside.

Oh, there's another coin. That should do it. Drew Carey: The thing about Krusty is that he's always on. To know exactly what he's on, you have to test his pee. Krusty the Clown: A famous entertainer once said that ninety percent of success is showing up on time. Sorry I'm four hours late. Krusty the Clown: I have pastrami on my teeth, and that's everyone's problem.

Homer: [sadly] No Ned Flanders: Oh, I don't care for the speed, but I can't get enough of that safety gear - helmets, roll bars, caution flags Maude Flanders: I like the fresh air, and looking at the poor people in the infield. I'll get some hot dogs. Reverend Lovejoy: In many ways, Maude Flanders was a supporting player in our lives. She didn't grab our attention with memorable catchphrases, or comical accents.

Reverend Lovejoy: But, whether you noticed her or not, Maude was always there Reverend Lovejoy: My friends, life is about change. Just yesterday, Apu was a lonely bachelor. I'll go get some hot dogs. Bart Simpson: [apologizing to Lisa] It was an accident! I didn't mean to kill our ants.

Homer Simpson: [passing by] Patty and Selma are dead? Whoo hoo! Double funeral! Homer Simpson: Oh, please tell me they suffered. Chief Wiggum: Well, Mr. Burns, care to explain how this miracle of measure and harmony came into your possession? Burns: Well, I You see Is it a crime to enjoy nice things, and then steal them from a public museum, where any gum-chewing monkey in a Tufts University jacket can come and gawk at them? I think not! Burns: [voiceover, as Smithers leaves the prison] This would have been the perfect time for it to start raining.

Oh, what the hell?

Writers' Heaven or Hell

I'm telling the story. Marge Simpson: Shopping. Whenever the town riots, the malls are empty. You stay here while I'm gone. Bart Simpson: Shall we let her live the rest of her life out in the wild, or in captivity like Grandpa? Burns: The plant's first annual Fourth of July company picnic is this upcoming weekend. Burns: No, you misunderstand. The picnic is for me.


You will all be spending our Day of Independence slaving away at my mansion under the hot summer sun, without pay, water, or gratitude. Lenny Leonard: Things have changed in the outside while you were gone. Wealthy people can beat the system now. Carl Carlson: They don't have parking meters anymore. Now there's a little thing you swipe your credit card into. Homer Simpson: The war is over and the future won. Past never even had a chance, man. Burns: Spare ribs, eh? I've played a round of tenpins in my day, and to me, spare reeks of second best.

Get me ten frames of strike ribs at once! And you, call my doctor and ask him why I would ask for something so absurd as strike ribs. Homer Simpson: Hey, you're right. Burns: Surprised? Me, C. Montgomery Burns locked up like an animal? How do I came to this puzzling turn of events? I'll explain it, by thinking about it to myself. Burns' First Cellmate: Hiya, pal! I guess we're just two white-collar criminals. Burns: Oh, thank God. I thought you might be a hardened tattooed criminal.

Burns' First Cellmate: Nah, they don't turn out too many of those at Dartmouth. Burns: Dartmouth? Guard, get me away from this brute! Get me out this instant! Kirk Van Houten: Son, do you really need the rotten one? But don't tell your mother. Burns: Smithers! Sound the alarm! A writer is walking along the shore, and finds a bottle. When he opens it, a genie appears and thanks the guy for letting him out. The genie announces, "For your kindness, I will grant you one wish, but only one!

The writer thinks for a minute and says, "I've always wanted to visit Hawaii, but I'm afraid of flying and I get seasick on boats. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii. The genie reflects on this for awhile and finally says, "I don't believe I can do it. Consider all the work involved Think of the massive amounts of material that would require! No, it's way too much to ask. The writer ponders again, and says, "Well, I've always wanted to understand women, too - I wish for you to explain them.

The art of writing is the art of applying the seat of the pants to the seat of the chair. A screenwriter receives a parrot for his birthday. The bird is fully grown, with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word out of his beak is an expletive. The writer tries hard to change the parrot's behavior: he says polite words, plays soft music, anything he can think up, to set a good example. Nothing works. He yells at the bird, and the bird yells back. He shakes the bird, but the bird just becomes more angry and rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments, he hears the bird squawk, swear, and scream. Suddenly, there's a deathly quiet. The guy's frightened, thinking he might have injured the bird, so he quickly opens the freezer door. The parrot calmly steps out onto the writer's extended arm, and says, "I believe I've offended you with my rude language and behavior. I will endeavor at once to correct this problem.

I am truly sorry, and beg your forgiveness. It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. Did you hear about the writer who jumped out the window on the 15th floor? He could have gone to the 16th, but that's another story. I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. Three guys are sitting at a bar How much do you make? What kind of stories do you write? On a serious note Here are some for your consideration depending on the kind of article or topic you are writing:.

Ron Kaufman Quotes

Neither a Borrower Scott Linyard French Overpopulation Francis Crowded Downpour! Wayne Dwops Cloning Ima Dubble Inflammation, Please Arthur Itis House Construction Bill Jerome Home Lewis Carroll Alison Wonderland Leo Tolstoy Warren Peace The French Chef Sue Flay Why Cars Stop Tank No! Kurt Reply Unemployed Anita Job. Besides the normal business of writing, a writer needs a private journal to record their own trials, tribulations, and successes.

This is not for the world, it is for you. Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites. Loved this,,,finally pursuing a dream of becoming a published copyrighted author of poetry. Now that's some good stuff seeing how I wanted off of disability,Matters of the Heart. Page publishing of New York city,by Jeannette Napolitano.

I love this! Great hub with so many funny quotes. Where on earth did you find them all? Arthuritis is one I know; only because my daughter, since an early age, has referred to my partner's Arthur's aches, as Arthuritis! My friend Thanks for the compliment Joel. You set out to do a funny hub and you succeeded very well. I set out to do an inspirational hub, all warm and fuzzy, and I hope that works out too. Hi Glenn. Nice surprise seeing you pop up. Yes, I wrote that one because I needed a little pick-me-up on a day that some of my graphic design work was becoming stressful.

She did an even better job and provided even more "to the heart" encouraging quotes. Thanks for the feedback! I love how you intermixed the jokes with the quotes and made them relate to one another. Very well done! Even got a few chuckles out of me! Peach, your comments always bring a smile to my face even when nobody is looking. Thanks for your comment And thanks for the shout out!

Your approach and open mentorship is inspiring and is so much appreciated. I have found several well rounded authors like you here on HupPages and hope, with a little work, to follow suit. You are a winner! I took you up on your challenge and did my own Writing Quotes hub. It ended up taking a very different approach than yours so I don't feel like I stepped on your piece. If you insist. I have been saving quotes as I come across them, Now I will start my research for quotes right here.

Thanks for the laugh. I was going to do a hub on quotes about writing. Now I will have to scratch it. You did it too well and with jokes. Voted up and funny. Thanks, I shyed away from posting some others Oh Joel, these were hilarious and I am still laughing. Only problem is most of these quotes and jokes ring so true.. Voted up. Yes, Marilyn, the "ones" painfully true for me just made me shake my head I think someday, doctors will call writing a mental illness