Rattlesnake Wedding (Rattlesnake Lawyer Book 7)

Snake Cartoons
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So the daughter stayed and spent the night there. In the morning she got up and her mother got breakfast ready for her; she breakfasted, and then she said good-bye to her mother and went away, carrying her little girl in her arms, while her boy followed behind her. She came to the dike, and called out, "Osip, Osip, come here! She called and called, but he did not come. Then she looked into the water, and there she saw a head floating about.

Then she guessed what had happened. There on the bank she wept and wailed. And then to her girl she cried, "Fly about as a wren, henceforth and evermore! Transformation into a Nightingale and a Cuckoo Russia A damsel fell in love with a snake, and was also beloved by him. He took her to wife. His dwelling was of pure glass, all crystal. This dwelling was situated underground, in a kind of mound, or something of the sort. Well, when the time came, the snake's wife became the mother of twins, a boy and a girl. They looked, as they lay by their mother, as if they were made of wax.

And she was herself as beautiful as a flower. Well, God having given her children, she said, "Now, then, since they have been born as human beings, let us christen them among human beings. She took her seat in a golden carriage, laid the children on her knees, and drove off to the village to the pope [orthodox priest]. The carriage had not got into the open country, when sadness was brought to the mother.

The old woman had made an outcry in the whole village, seized a sickle, and rushed into the country. She [the young mother] saw she had manifest death before her, when she called to her children, and went on to say, "Fly, my children, as birds about the world. You, my little son, as a nightingale, and you, my daughter, as a cuckoo. Out flew a nightingale from the carriage by the right-hand, and a cuckoo by the left-hand window. What became of the carriage and horses and all, nobody knows. Nor did their mistress remain, only a dead nettle sprang up by the roadside.

Wratislaw's source: P. The Snake and the Princess Russia There was an emperor and empress who had three daughters. The emperor fell ill, and sent his eldest daughter for water. Then he drew her water from the very bottom, cold and fresh. She brought it home, gave it her father to drink, and her father recovered. Then they came into the house and placed the snake in a plate on the table. There he lay, just as if he were of gold! They went out of the house, and said:. They drove off with her to the snake's abode. There they lived, and had a daughter born to them.

They also took a godmother to live with them, but she was a wicked woman. The child soon died, and the mother died soon after it. The godmother went in the night to the place where she was buried, and cut off her hands. Then she came home, and heated water-gruel, scalded the hands, and took off the gold rings. The next day they came and found the godmother dead under the stove.

They didn't give her proper burial, but threw her into a hole. Type C, with strong similarities to type The Girl and the Snake Sweden Once upon a time there was a girl who was supposed to go into the woods and bring home the cattle, but she could not find the herd. She got lost and came to a large mountain with gates and doors. She went inside. A table was standing there, set with all kinds of things to eat. There was also a bed there, and a large snake was lying on it. It said to the girl, "Have a seat, if you want to.

Come and lie down in this bed, if you want to! But if you don't want to, it's all right! Finally the snake said, "People are coming now who want to dance with you, but don't go with them. Then they began to eat and drink. The girl left the mountain and went home again. The next day she went into the woods again to look for her herd, but she could not find what she was looking for. Instead, she got lost again and came to the same mountain.

She went inside again and found everything the same as the first time: a set table and the bed with the snake. It said to her, as the time before, "Have a seat, if you want to! Eat, if you want to! But if you don't want to, it's all right. Now a lot more people are coming who want to dance with you, but do not go with them. The girl had nothing to do with them, but instead left the mountain and went home. On the third day she went into the woods again, and the same thing happened to her as on the previous days.

The snake invited her to eat and drink, which she did with a good appetite. After that the snake asked her to lie down next to it, and the girl did that as well. Then the snake said, "Hold me in your arm! In reality he was a prince who had been bewitched into this form through magic, but the girl's courage had saved him. Of course, the two of them went away, and since then they have never been heard from again. Link to another translation of this tale: The Girl and the Snake.

On the first night of their marriage, nothing was written on their bed when they retired, but when they got up the next day, they read there that they would have no children. The king was very sad about this, and the queen even more so. She found it most unfortunate that there would be no heir for their kingdom. One day, while deep in thought, she wandered to a remote spot. There she met an old woman who asked her why she was so sad.

The queen looked up and said, "Oh, telling you will do no good. You can't help me. So the queen agreed, and told how on their wedding night a message had appeared on their bed that they would have no children.

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Then King Lindorm returned home with the queen. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. If you do this for three years, I will be redeemed, because I am an enchanted prince, and then I will marry you! All right, come here and get warm, you poor worm! The prison complex sits on a acre parcel with nine acres inside the perimeter fence.

This was why she was so sad. The old woman told her that she could help her have children. That evening at sunset she should place a platter upside down in the northwest corner of the garden. The next morning at sunrise she should take it away. Beneath it she would find two roses, a red one and a white one. But do not eat them both," said the old woman. The queen returned home and did what the old woman had told her to do. The next morning, just as the sun was coming up, she went to the garden and picked up the platter.

There were two roses, a red one and a white one. Now she did not know which of the two she should take. If it were the red one, she would have a boy, and he might have to go to war and be killed, and then again she would have no child. So she decided to take the white one; then it would be a girl who would stay at home with her, and then get married and become queen in another kingdom. Thus she picked up the white rose and ate it. But it tasted so good that she picked up the red rose and ate it as well. Now it so happened that at this time the king was away at war.

When the queen noticed that she was pregnant she wrote to him to let him know, and he was very pleased. When the time for her delivery came, she gave birth to a lindorm. As soon as he was born, he crawled under the bed in the bedroom, and stayed there. Sometime later a letter arrived from the king announcing that he soon would return home.

When his carriage pulled up in front of the castle and the queen came out to receive him, the lindorm came too and wanted to greet him. He jumped up into the carriage, calling out, "Welcome home, father! The king had to agree. They went into the castle together, and the queen had to confess what had happened between her and the old woman. Some days later the council and all the important people in the kingdom assembled to welcome the king back home and to congratulate him on the victory over his enemies.

The lindorm came as well and said, "Father, it is time for me to get married! So the king wrote to all the kingdoms, asking if someone would not marry his son. A beautiful princess responded, but it seemed strange to her that she was not allowed to see her future husband before entering the hall where the wedding was to take place. Only then did the lindorm make his appearance, taking his place beside her. The wedding day came to an end, and it was time for them to retire to the bedroom.

They were scarcely inside, when he ate her alive. Sometime later, the king's birthday arrived. They were all seated at the dinner table when the lindorm appeared and said, "Father, I want to get married! Once again a beautiful princess came from far away. She too was not allowed to see her groom until she was in the hall where they were to be married. The lindorm entered and took his place beside her. When the wedding day was over and they went into the bedroom, the lindorm killed her.

Sometime later, on the queen's birthday, they were all seated at the dinner table when the lindorm came in and said once again, "Father, I want to get married! What am I to do? As long as I am on your side, just let them come, and even if there were ten of them! But if you do not find a wife for me, be she young or old, large or small, rich or poor, then I shall destroy you and the castle as well! The king had to give in, but he was not happy about it. Now one of the king's shepherds, an old man who lived in a little house in the woods, had a daughter.

The king went to him and said, "Listen, my dear man. Won't you give your daughter in marriage to my son? I have only the one child to care for me when I am older, and further, if the prince can't take care of beautiful princesses he will not take care of my daughter, and that would be a sin. The old shepherd went home and told his daughter everything.

She became very sad and, deep in thought, took a walk in the woods. There she met an old woman who had gone into the woods to pick berries and wild apples. She was wearing a red skirt and a blue jacket. The girl was eager to hear her advice. If you don't have that many, then you must borrow some. Ask for a bucketful of lye water, a bucketful of sweet milk, and an armful of switches. All these things must be taken to the bedroom. When he comes in, he will say, 'Beautiful maiden, take off your nightshirt!

By then he will not have another skin, but you will still have on a nightshirt. Then you must take hold of him. He will be nothing more than a clump of bloody meat. Dip the switches into the lye water and beat him with them until he has almost fallen to pieces. Then you must bathe him in the sweet milk, wrap him in the nine nightshirts, and hold him on your arm. You will then fall asleep, but only for a short time. The girl thanked her for the good advice, but she was still afraid, for this was indeed a dangerous undertaking with such a sinister animal.

The wedding day arrived. A large and splendid carriage brought two ladies who prepared the girl for the wedding. Then she was taken to the castle and led into the hall. The lindorm appeared, took his place next to her, and they were married. When evening arrived, and it was time for them to go to bed, the bride asked for a bucketful of lye water, a bucketful of sweet milk, and an armful of switches.

The men all laughed at her, saying that it was some kind of a peasant superstition and all in her imagination. But the king said that she should have what she asked for, and they brought it to her. Before going into the bedroom, she put nine nightshirts over the one she was already wearing. When they both were in the bedroom the lindorm said, "Beautiful maiden, take off your nightshirt!

And thus it continued until she had taken off nine nightshirts and he had taken off nine skins. She found new courage, for he was now lying and the floor with blood flowing freely from him and barely able to move. Then she took the switches, dipped them into the lye water, and beat him as hard as she could until there was scarcely a twig left among the sticks. Then she dipped him into the sweet milk and laid him on her arm.

She fell asleep, for it was late, and when she awoke, she was lying in the arms of a handsome prince. Morning came, and no one dared to look into the bedroom, because they all believed that the same thing had happened to her as to the two others. Finally the king wanted to look, and as he opened the door she called out, "Do come in! Everything is all right! He fetched the queen and the others, and there was a great celebration about the bridal bed unlike any that had ever been seen before. The bridal couple got up and went into another room where they got dressed, because the bedroom was in a horrible mess.

Then the wedding was celebrated anew with pomp and joy. The king and queen liked the young queen very much. They could not treat her too well, for she had redeemed their lindorm. Sometime later she became pregnant. There was another war, and the old king and King Lindorm had gone to the battlefield. Her time arrived, and she gave birth to two beautiful boys. At this time the Red Knight was at court. They asked him to take the king a letter announcing the birth of the two beautiful boys.

He rode away a short distance and opened the letter, then changed it to read that she had given birth to two young dogs. The king received the letter and was very sad. He found it unbelievable that she had given birth to young dogs, although it would have not surprised him if it had been a lindorm or something like that.

He wrote back that the creatures should be allowed to live until he returned home, that is if they could be kept alive at all. The Red Knight was to deliver this letter, but a short distance away he opened it as well and wrote that the queen and her children were to be burned alive. The old queen was greatly saddened by this letter, for she liked the young queen very much.

Soon thereafter another letter arrived, announcing the king's return home. The queen became frightened and did not know what to do. She could not bring herself to have them burned. She sent the two children to live with a wet nurse, for she hoped that the king might change his mind once he was back home. She gave the young queen some money and food and sent her into the forest. She wandered about in the woods for two days and was in great need.

She came to a high mountain, which she climbed without stopping. At the top there were three benches. She sat down on the middle one and squeezed the milk from her breasts, for she was in great distress, not having her children with her. Then two large birds, a swan and a crane, flew down and sat on either side of her, and she pressed her milk into their beaks.

They were that close to her. And even as they sat there, they turned into the two most handsome princes that one can imagine, and the mountain turned into the most beautiful royal castle, with servants and animals and gold and silver and everything that there should be. They had been enchanted, and the spell would never have been broken if they had not drunk the milk from a queen who had just given birth to two boys. She went with them, with King Swan and King Crane.

Each one wanted to marry her, for she had redeemed them both. Meanwhile King Lindorm arrived home and asked about the queen. Who do you think that you are! You paid no attention to the fact that she redeemed you from your curse. You just went ahead and wrote to me that she and the children should be burned alive.

For shame! And I wrote back that you should let the creatures live until I returned home. They talked back and forth for a long time and finally realized that the Red Knight had been behind the treachery. He was captured, and he had to confess. They locked him in a barrel studded with nails, hitched it to four horses, and they ran with him over mountains and valleys. The king was full of despair about his wife and children, when he discovered that they were two beautiful boys. The old queen said to him, "Don't worry, the boys are well cared for.

They are staying with wet nurses, but I do not know how she is faring. I gave her some food and money and sent her into the woods, but since then we have heard nothing from her. The king ordered that the children be brought back. Then he took some food and some money and went into the woods to look for her. He wandered about for two, then three days looking for her, but he could not find her. Finally he came to the castle in the woods.

He asked if the people there had not seen a strange maiden in the woods, but they had not seen anyone. Then he wanted to enter the castle to see what kind of royalty lived there. He went inside. Just as he entered he saw her, but she was afraid, for she thought that he had come to burn her alive, and she ran away.

The two princes came in. They talked together and became good friends. They invited him to stay for dinner. He mentioned the beautiful maiden and asked where she was from. They answered that she was a lovely person and that she had freed them both. He wanted to know what she had freed them from, and they told him the entire story.

Then he said that he liked her very much and asked them if they could not come to an agreement concerning her. He proposed that her dinner should be over salted, and that the person she would ask to drink to her health should receive her. The princes agreed to this arrangement, for this would enable them to determine which of the two of them would have her, for they did not believe that she would ask a stranger to drink to her health. He picked up the silver tankard and drank to her health. The others drank to their own health, but then they had to drink to her health as well, even though they were not satisfied with the outcome.

Then King Lindorm told how she had redeemed him before she had redeemed them. Therefore he was the closest one to her. After hearing this, the two princes stated that if he had told them this in the first place, they would have given her to him. But he said that he could not have known that for sure. Then King Lindorm returned home with the queen. Meanwhile the children had also been taken back home. King Swan kept the castle in the woods and married a princess from another kingdom.

And King Crane went to a different country where he got married. Thus each one of them had something. King Lindorm and his queen stood in high honor as long as they lived. They were very happy and had many children. Eversens Forlag, , no. Grundtvig's source: Maren Mathisdatter, 67 years of age. A lindorm also spelled lindworm was a mythological beast much feared in ancient northern Europe.

It is depicted variously as a giant snake or a wingless dragon. The name derives from an Old Norse word for "serpent. Schwartz Once upon a time there was a peasant. He worked in the woods and took his oldest daughter along to help him. When the day grew hot he took off his jacket and laid it in the grass. When his work was finished, he asked his daughter to fetch it for him.

She went to it, but there was a worm lying on it. She did not want to pick it up, so she ran back to her father and asked him what she should do. He told her not to be afraid of the worm. She should just throw it aside and bring him his jacket. She did this, and they went home. The next day the peasant again went to work in the woods, taking his second daughter along. Everything happened as before, and in the end she threw the worm aside, and she and her father returned home together. On the third day, the first daughter was to go along again, but the third daughter asked the father to take her.

She wanted to help out like the others. They laughed at her, and asked her just how she would be able to help. They had a low opinion of her and kept her at home like a Cinderella. But she begged her father so earnestly, that he finally said she might come along. When it was time to go home, her father told her to fetch his jacket. She went to it and found the worm on it.

But she said to it, "Dear little worm, would you like a soft place to lie? The worm looked at her with bright and friendly eyes, as though it wanted to say "yes! As soon as she laid him in it, the worm began to speak, and asked her, "Would you like to enter my service? All you have to do is carry me about a few hours each day.

For this you will receive a good wage and food and drink as well. If you do this for three years, I will be redeemed, because I am an enchanted prince, and then I will marry you! The girl said that she would do it, and the worm said, "Then come here tomorrow at the same time. After that she went home with her father. Then she said, "I have lived at home long enough. I am going try my luck out in the world. The girl replied, "I already have a position," and asked her father to allow her to leave. He did not want to give his permission, because even if she did not understand very much, she was still a good worker.

Finally he gave in to her begging, and the next day she set forth. She went into the woods and soon found the worm. He was very pleased that she had come, and he told her that she should now carry him around a little. That she did, and when the time was up, a splendid castle suddenly appeared.

In the castle there was a great hall with a large table all decked out with food and drink, more beautiful than anything she had ever seen in her entire lifetime. She ate and drank her fill, and then went to bed. Every day she carried the worm about for an hour or two and then went to the castle, where everything was prepared for her, and where she was splendidly provided for. After a year had passed she asked the worm for permission to visit her father. He agreed on the condition that she return promptly.

She took gold and other precious things for her father and her sisters and went home. When she arrived with her treasures, her sisters wanted to know where she had gotten it all, and who her master was. But she told them nothing, for the worm had forbidden her to do so. They beat her and scolded her, but she said nothing. The next day she went back into the woods to the worm, and again carried it about for an hour or two each day. At the end of the second year she once again visited her father and her sisters, and also at the end of the third year.

When she left the worm, he ordered her also this last time to return promptly, and she promised to do so. Her father and her sisters insisted that she tell them who her master was and where she worked, and they refused to let her go. Finally she tore herself away with force. When she returned to the woods, it was too late. The worm was no longer there. Sadly she looked everywhere, but that castle had disappeared, and the worm as well, for while she was away, his spell had lapsed, and he had turned back into a king, and he was now back at home in his own kingdom.

The girl decided to search for him throughout the world. On her way she came to a hut in the forest where an old woman lived, whom she asked for shelter for the night. The old woman received her in a friendly manner, and the next morning when she was about the leave, she gave her three apples. She told her there was a golden spindle in the first one, a golden yarn reel in the second one, and a golden spinning wheel in the third one, and told her whom she would meet and what she should do.

The girl kindly thanked the friendly old woman and set forth. Many days later and after she had walked a great distance, she came to a glass mountain. She did not know how she could cross over it, because it was so smooth that she always slid back down. Finally she saw a smithy not far away. She went there and had horseshoes attached to her hands and knees, and climbed over the mountain.

She came to a great city. This was where the king lived who had been the worm that she had carried about every day. He was already married. He had a beautiful wife and had long since forgotten the girl. She disguised herself and went to the castle where she hired herself out as a silk spinster.

On the first day she opened the first apple that the old woman in the woods had given her. She took out the golden spindle.

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When the queen saw it, she liked it very much and wanted to buy it from the girl. As evening approached she gave the king a sleeping potion, and when he was fast asleep, she sent for the silk spinster and led her into the king's bedroom.

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She sat next to his bed and cried bitterly, "Now I know that thanklessness is the way of the world," she said. For your sake I received blows and harsh words from my father and sisters. I had horseshoes attached to my hands and knees in order to climb over the glass mountain. Now you have forgotten everything and taken another wife. At dawn the queen came and led the silk spinster out again.

Sadly she took the second apple, broke it open, and took out the golden yarn reel. When the queen saw it, she admired it greatly and asked the girl to sell it to her. Once again she said that it was not for sale, but it could be earned if she were allowed to sleep with the king for another night. The queen gave her promise, and everything happened as during the first night. The king lay in knee-deep sleep, and no amount of crying and complaining could awaken him. However, one of the king's servants had seen the queen bring the spinster into the king's bedroom.

He was curious, and listened to everything that the silk spinster said. The next day he told the king what he had seen and heard. But that morning the queen had once again led the silk spinster out of the king's bedroom. In desperation, the girl opened her last apple, the one with the golden spinning wheel. When the queen saw it, she said she would let her sleep with the king yet another night, if she would give her the golden spinning wheel. In the opening for " Treehouse of Horror XXVII ", he worked as a worker at an ex-con Christmas tree yard, where he helped someone get their Christmas tree into the car, and also blew out one of the windows with a shotgun to give the tree more room to fit.

Snake occasionally appears as a passenger, and often tells the player he just wants to get out of the area immediately. However, he sometimes directly tells the player where he wants to go. Namely, he states at one point that he wishes to go to Evergreen Terrace in order to loot the house. Snake briefly stole a military radio from Herman's Military Antiques as he thought he'd get bodacious chicks with a military radio , but Bart managed to stop him. Snake was later arrested by Chief Wiggum when Lisa helped him uncover evidence of crimes under the three-strikes law Counterfeit Designer Jeans, running over an elderly citizen without a permit, and littering, in that order in exchange for information in regards to her missing brother.

Later on, Apu reluctantly sought for his advice in regards to a potential lead to the source of the contamination of the Buzz Cola, as well as who was involved in contaminating it. Snake agrees to give him all he knows in exchange for Apu helping him do "community service" which involved taking Garbage Pales and, later, destroying an Armored Vehicle , the second of which he truly gave info.

His last appearance was when Homer ended up carjacking Snake to which he notes the irony that he is the one getting carjacked , and ends up agreeing in order to not see Homer flip the bird at him. He survives the destruction of his car he is seen to have jumped out. His car contained nuclear waste, and it was pulled into the Rigellians Tractor Beam.

His voice is also heard in the beginning of the game, where he announces the name of "Radical Entertainment" in his usual manner. When the new Itchy and Scratchy game comes out, the entire Police Department is distracted and Snake thinks it will be a good chance for him to escape on his way to rob an orphanage but is caught. Snake appears in a jail cell in the level Mob Rules , who can be busted out and can join Marge's mob to ironically protest the sale of a violent video game. Later during the Alien Invasion Snake is seen talking to Agnes Skinner who assumes he's going to rob her which Snake doesn't get and asks why everyone assumes he is going to rob them.

Agnes says it is because he is a criminal. Snake appeared as the Serpent during the first segment detailing Adam and Eve, where he tempts Adam played by Homer and Eve portrayed by Marge. Although Marge is unwilling to eat the apple, Homer eats several. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please.

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.

He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case.

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The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you! A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one. Me first! She's gone. Me next! He's gone. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch.

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The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me? The Godfather asks again, "where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me? The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about.

The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard! One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, Ker-plop! I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?

Maybe you could examine me and find out. You must be a lawyer. Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed. A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake.

The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time. A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over the envelopes. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I'm sending out 1, Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who? A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain? A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

How about you, Amie? Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old? An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic. Where did you get it?

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special? Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about years old!

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow. The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St.

Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn cloud-encrusted, natch of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, at least until the end of time. They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses.

Pete indicates the third walk-up on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?

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Editorial Reviews. About the Author. Jonathan Miller is the author of the award- winning Rattlesnake Wedding (Rattlesnake Lawyer Book 7) - Kindle edition by Jonathan Miller. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones . Rattlesnake Wedding [Jonathan Miller] on wamadawipu.cf Rattlesnake Wedding (Rattlesnake Lawyer Book 7) and millions of other books are available for.

We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first lawyer to make it up here!!

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Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. What do you want to have him arrested for? A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.

It was nearly 4 p. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.

When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!

Snake and Serpent Husbands

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave? The defendant who pleads their own case may have a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground. And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, feet up in the air. For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to a exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer? Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.

Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. However, I could put 'Here lies an honest lawyer. At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments? First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.

However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings. A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his no, that's not the punch line to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. He just had to save his friend. It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him.

The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone? Give me something. Who is going to pay for my court costs? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow? Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.

A lady cane in the other day limping Give me some Demerol. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'?

That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol? It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale? I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone? A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Russia.

And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner? Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb. A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part Light Bulb shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1 The party of the first part Lawyer shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part Light Bulb and rotate the party of the second part Light Bulb in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part Lawyer , by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership.

Any person with a valid Alaska state hunting license may harvest attorneys. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash," "ambulance," or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within yards of BMW dealerships. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

A young lady goes to see a lawyer regarding a minor matter. Now he was facing the age-old ethical dilemma, should he keep it himself or split it with his partner? A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father? I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father.

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I almost hit that lawyer. Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first said, 'I think accountants are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is numbered. A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married twelve times. On their wedding night the settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle, I am still a virgin.